i grieve
i grieve the ill
the dead
those who care for them
for those who wish they did
i grieve for ones who have not yet awakened that this is a brand new day
but most of all i grieve my life, for what
i missed
in living
long before the outbreak made us revisit mortality
(how stupid could we be to forget)
i grieve my old life, embarrassed by the clutchingness, the grabbiness, the overindulgyness
…all of it having so little to do with life
something in me knew it was false, though i played right along…
i mean, Gautama gave us the experiment to know it:
sit
watch how each sensation comes, goes
nothing lasts
yet how i ever wanted it to last…
so little to do with life
i grieve
tears do come for it, being lost and apart from what ‘was’
i grieve
which is to say,
i let my sail unfurl and take up a new wind
away from what was known, comfortable, always
i set sail for some place else
inside me
a birth (berth)
to leave behind the old dance forms for awhile — (square, flamenco, ball, etc.)
and free-form it
no-form it
not to any old/recorded music
not to any live music either
but the rhythms in the air, the wind, the murmurs of neighbors, fellow creatures
the oldest music of time
to Joseph Campbell it in the woods (a new verb)
to read three chunks of the day and do whatever i want for the fourth —
allow the old patterns present in everything to announce themselves
(how the hero’s journey made foolish heroes of us all)
so i can choose a fresh, untrod path
a true adventure
a sensation
yes
it’s time to take up my life again
to take up living
even when all around us is death
— the ill, old structures, dependencies —
and be washed in new waters, dreams
where inner sails can finally sleep
— Brian Shircliff